What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?

But Tess! I mean Betty! I mean Veronica! (I can never remember who is who) which ever one you are, I love you!

Marijuana makes Jesus cry!

Tess' boyfriend, Ed, now works as a Peter Lorre impersonator.

How do I identify fake friends in life?

“Your boyfriend is a total perv, mommy.”

Speaking of which, poor Cleo Coco has ended up appearing in anti-vice pamphlets.

I've also been making ends meet ... By appearing in Tijuana splatter comics as Evil Gringo #2.

How did you become popular in school?

Torchy thinks: Maybe I could play a gangster's moll since apparently smoking is still seen as wholesome and American.

Remember, kids, masturbation will make you see the devil everywhere!

And I ended up moonlighting in Japanese porn, but the less said about that the better.

What were some of the unforgettable incidents from your school life?

Just you, me, in a vat of lime jello, pulling hair, calling each other names …

TEXT:

Of all the layoffs, Torchy Todd and her gal pal, Tess Parker, were hit the hardest.

Is it possible to revive a dead person in real life with black magic?

After you lather me up with that strawberry hand lotion.

I hear you're a stunt-double now for Fred in Scooby-Doo.

Dick! I heard about the lay-off. What's a square-jaw crime fighter doing these days to bring in the bling?

Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?

¡Explotando Dick por todos lados!

Sex! Lingerie! Knock knock jokes!

And then working as Betty and Veronica's body doubles ...

Are there any guys, crossdressers, or transgender girls here who wear tampons?

Ironically, Wertham focused on stories about crime, singling out Batman and Robin for its gay subtext and Dick Tracy for its violence.

Times might be tough … But at least there's one thing we all agree on.

At least until the peyote kicks in ...

Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?

Gadzooks! It's Torchy Todd slumming it in Yugoslavian science fiction! The shame!

Only zombies dig to rock and roll, daddy-O!

Before there was MAGA there was … the Comics Code Authority

Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?

Shameless vixen! Trollop!

Let's do what we always do, lay around half-naked while men make terrible jokes at our expense.

In 1954 complete bastard and censorship campaigner Fredric Wertham published a book for the stated goal of creating a moral panic around comic book's alleged impact on juvenile delinquency. Much like the House Committee on Un-American Activities' disastrous impact on the film industry, the Comics Code Authority (obey, puny humans) put many hardworking comic book characters out of work all because of one poorly written book called …

How come Jesus died on Friday and rose on Sunday? That's not 3 days and three nights.

Yes, Tess, crime doesn't pay but apparently Rated-G horror does.

Every day is a good day to punch a Nazi! I mean MAGA! I mean the Comics Code Authority! (I can never remember who is who)

Perhaps now we can explore what being a “gal pal” really means.

Answer me this. These days guys love anal sex right, if you present them with your ass they will happily nail you into the ground. So why do some guys think it's "sissy" to let women stick a finger up their ass?

Make Nazis afraid again!

Torchy, we're unemployed … And no one is hiring scantily-clad wastrels these days.

In order to answer this I came up with a little story that goes like this …

Two letters of transit signed by General De Gaulle … Stimpy, you eediot!